Why does it seem that everyone is struggling in my life right now, including me?
I came back from Europe like a comet, full of fire and excitement with a plan for the life I wanted. I would go back to school and finish my degree, then get into business, all on the side of being a wonderful mother and housekeeper. I came back and immediately started to heal the rift between the school and I from my long absence.
Now though, I am struggling again. Doubt has crept in. Obstacles have come up. Is it really worth it? Am I selfish to leave Ariana for part of the day and "abandon" Jeff to do his degree program without much help when he is the breadwinner? Do I really want to do this?
Jeff is drop dead tired. Ariana is making my life miserable with yet another runny nose turned into eye infection(yes, a new one) and two painful top teeth making an entrance. My head is throbbing with her constant crying and whining, and I am tired from her being up all night. I am sick of being a mom. I am not sure who I would ask to keep her, and too shy to ask. Most of all I just feel that most horrible feeling of a life with no bearings or mooring. I don't know what I want to do and the feeling is eating me alive. I am not confident with an decision I make.
I have heard both opinions. I know I need to do SOMETHING. But is part time school the answer? I feel guilty about my fervent desire for a break from my child, and I wonder if that is why I am going to school. I know it wasn't when I made the decision.
I just don't want to have a pointless life anymore. I don't want to feel like an appendage to Jeff, just a "wife," like I am not a real person. I am just a mom. I hate it. I had other aspirations, and now I feel that I can not achieve them because I am a mom. I feel the great burden of being needed, more than ever now that she is sick, and guilt for not wanting to be needed, not wanting to be here or to be a mom.
I am not sure where I want to go or what I want to be, hating where and who I am at the moment, and my little girl is suffering for it, crying alone in her crib because I can't stand being around her anymore for the moment. I just wish I knew without a doubt what to do.
5 comments:
Coming out of lurkdom to say that I read your blog. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I think almost every mom in the world can relate to the feelings you are struggling with. Knowing that others struggle too may not make you feel better but at least you will know that you aren't alone and that there isn't something dreadfully wrong with you. (((hug)))
It's not selfish to want a break from your child. It's important to fill you well so you can give of yourself to others. Remember to put on your oxygen mask first before assisting a child. I think part-time school would be great for you. I think you would enjoy seeing Ari after a break. Once she can talk, she won't cry so much (there's a light at the end of the tunnel).
It sounds like you and your Mom have similar feelings right now--not enough in your bucket to feel good about giving to others who may be demanding at the moment. It doesn't hurt a baby to cry in her crib for a little while. Take a bubble bath. Read a good book. Take a class. Our stake has a popular institute class for adults that has a nursery attached. Does yours? Do something for yourself so you don't feel like a servant. College may not be the answer right now. Counsel with your husband and the Lord on that one. Your Mom has a night off each week. Perhaps you could do something like that. Once you make friends and start to trade off babysitting it will help.
Once they can talk you'll have other problems. Like wasn't meant to be a piece of cake so cowboy up! There are joys ahead of you too.
Love you, Grandma
I've been there. You might come back a better mom if you were gone a few hours a day. You'll probably have to be prepared to pay someone to watch her though. And then you'll feel guilty for being so happy and fulfilled. There's no way to win as a woman.
I always feel like I need a break. Maybe we could do something just you and I when I move there. We could leave Alyssa and Ariana with one of the husband's and go out somewhere. A Girl's Night Out!
I definitely have the same feelings, where I just get frustrated that I can't handle it. And I am sure we could get a couple of other mom's to come with us.
If you ever need to talk give me a call. I am always here.
Post a Comment