Yesterday we (mostly Jeff) helped Cory and Heather move from their apartment in South Corvallis. They are trying to get a house, but in the interim they will be living with his parents.
Today, Jeff is at school...again. Well, I can't complain, because at least he is taking school seriously and in stride. I can't pretend not to miss him though, or think that school should at least be limited to the work week instead of growing like some monster from a horror film to engulf every waking moment. I can tell it is wearing on him a little, not because he can't hack the work, but because when we signed up, we somehow got it in our heads that since school is Monday through Thursday, that would give him Friday for group meetings and Saturday for a break. It is the failed expectation that really drags. So he cleaned the kitchen this morning, while we watched the vice pres debate online, and then he took off for school.
Since then, I have gone on a walk. I ran into a garage sale, and had to walk all the way back to the house to get my wallet so that I could get some things I have been looking for. I am rather proud of myself. I got a very pretty wooden paper towel holder and two matching bowls with blue and purple star decorations to replace the cat dish we have now that I hate. I also got a little candle holder that I found interesting. I paid five dollars, because haggling is not a skill in my arsenal, and went directly home to put the objects in place. I plan to get up and go get rid of as many things as I just brought in to balance it out.
More importantly though, I wanted to announce that I am starting a separate blog devoted to being a good homemaker, mother and wife. I wanted it to be separate from this one so that those topics will be together, and people who don't care to read it wont have to. The address is <>. If anyone else wants to author posts on the subject I would consider it. It is about being the best woman you can be, perhaps idealizing "Molly Mormon" and the "We Can Do It" Lady, without losing your sanity or getting overwhelmed and giving up. Heather lent me a book that really inspired me while I was over watching them pack. I have only read a little bit into it, but I can tell that it will be a powerful book. It is about accepting your efforts as being good. Perhaps I should quote my favorite points so far: (from Believe in What you're doing; Believe in who you are, by Hilary Weeks)
"Don't worry about what others think of you. Worry about what they think of themselves when they are with you." p.19
"And on the days when you wonder if you'll ever be enough, remember: He believes in who you are becoming. He believes in who you are." p.5
Reading even this small amount of this tiny book has really set me to thinking. Many times, I have set myself on a path and then questioned and doubted until I quit. I know that one of my many faults is caring too much about what other people think. I often let it get in the way of what I really want to do. We almost let that mentality stop us from going to Europe. We knew that everyone would think we were insanely foolish and financially irresponsible. I am so glad I did not let my internal demons and worries talk me out of it. I think it was mostly through Jeff's encouragement and belief in a dream that I had had long before we had married that pulled us through to the completion. Jeff often recites a quote that has also touched me: (paraphrasing, obviously) "Our greatest fear is not that we will fail, but that we will succeed beyond our wildest dreams." That quote has really meant a lot to me. We didn't dare to hope that we could travel to Europe before the age of fifty. We laughed at the thought that Jeff would go to a well respected business and law school on a large scholarship. We kept right on laughing about the funny joke until we realized that it was real and it was in our hands. I truly hope that we can keep that same spirit and keep reaching for the stars. They aren't as far away as one might think. We will probably keep most of our ambitions to ourselves. I still haven't gotten over the fear of other people's opinions, so I keep my dreams well hid from public scrutiny. I do know in the quiet moments of the night, on days when nothing in particular may have gone right, that we are still amazing people going amazing places. I am not sure where yet, and I know that there will be times when I will still doubt, but I am looking forward to what I can do.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
7 Interesting Facts About Me
Heather tagged me on her blog, so now it is my turn. Here are 7 slightly interesting things about me.
1. When I was young, I tripped on my untied shoe laces in the mall parking lot. I had been flicking them out in front of me as I walked because my mom said I couldn't tie them until I went in and washed the pine sap off my hands. So I bought it and lost part of each of my two top front teeth and added some asphalt to my smile. Of course, the dentist fixed it as good as he could. Then later I was chewing on a Carmel apple pop, and a huge piece of my tooth popped off from where it had been weakened. Later, a stale bagel took my filling off again. Every time I cry like there is nothing worse in the world. One time I couldn't get in to the dentist for an entire week. I didn't smile all week. I am very sensitive about teeth.
2. I can solve a rubix cube. My second boyfriend taught me, that's how we got together. I know, so nerdy.
3. I played the bass clarinet in high school. Most of the guys I dated for a while played bass clarinet too by coincidence(Thomas, Benjamin). And there aren't very many people who play that particular intrument.
4. I can cook, only when I want to. This seems to come as a surprise to some.
5.I used to sneak out at night in the summer. Dani would sleep over and we would sleep in a tent in the back yard. When everything got quiet, we would sneak around. We visited the construction sights nearby, looking for cool souvenirs, like a spoon left by a construction worker. I was always better at staying up than Dani. One time we ran into a skunk. I couldn't run because I was wearing high heels(I figured my mom wouldn't notice if they got dirty). We were very lucky and didn't get sprayed.
6. I used to sell candy on the school bus during middle school. My friend was doing it. I copied her, and with my affinity for math, I undercut her and put her out of business. I also had a better sense of what kind of candy people liked. It was fun. One time the health teacher caught me with over 10 dollars of candy. I thought for sure I would get kicked out of school. The principal just chuckled and told me to take it home and not eat it all at one time.
7.When I was little, my parents had gotten a divorce. I lived with my mom and her parents in Florida. I still like to say I am from there, because that is where my heart is. When I go back, I just feel relaxed and at peace, like nothing could go wrong. I remeber days helping my Grandpa outside as he worked, catching periwinkles on the beach, and kicking ant hills and then running away. Then my parents remarried, and I moved to Connecticut with them. I think part of me never recovered. I still miss the sun and the thunder.
I tag Emily, Polly, Jeff, Grandma Olsen, Grandpa Olsen, Libby, and Lynn. What are 7 cool things about you?
1. When I was young, I tripped on my untied shoe laces in the mall parking lot. I had been flicking them out in front of me as I walked because my mom said I couldn't tie them until I went in and washed the pine sap off my hands. So I bought it and lost part of each of my two top front teeth and added some asphalt to my smile. Of course, the dentist fixed it as good as he could. Then later I was chewing on a Carmel apple pop, and a huge piece of my tooth popped off from where it had been weakened. Later, a stale bagel took my filling off again. Every time I cry like there is nothing worse in the world. One time I couldn't get in to the dentist for an entire week. I didn't smile all week. I am very sensitive about teeth.
2. I can solve a rubix cube. My second boyfriend taught me, that's how we got together. I know, so nerdy.
3. I played the bass clarinet in high school. Most of the guys I dated for a while played bass clarinet too by coincidence(Thomas, Benjamin). And there aren't very many people who play that particular intrument.
4. I can cook, only when I want to. This seems to come as a surprise to some.
5.I used to sneak out at night in the summer. Dani would sleep over and we would sleep in a tent in the back yard. When everything got quiet, we would sneak around. We visited the construction sights nearby, looking for cool souvenirs, like a spoon left by a construction worker. I was always better at staying up than Dani. One time we ran into a skunk. I couldn't run because I was wearing high heels(I figured my mom wouldn't notice if they got dirty). We were very lucky and didn't get sprayed.
6. I used to sell candy on the school bus during middle school. My friend was doing it. I copied her, and with my affinity for math, I undercut her and put her out of business. I also had a better sense of what kind of candy people liked. It was fun. One time the health teacher caught me with over 10 dollars of candy. I thought for sure I would get kicked out of school. The principal just chuckled and told me to take it home and not eat it all at one time.
7.When I was little, my parents had gotten a divorce. I lived with my mom and her parents in Florida. I still like to say I am from there, because that is where my heart is. When I go back, I just feel relaxed and at peace, like nothing could go wrong. I remeber days helping my Grandpa outside as he worked, catching periwinkles on the beach, and kicking ant hills and then running away. Then my parents remarried, and I moved to Connecticut with them. I think part of me never recovered. I still miss the sun and the thunder.
I tag Emily, Polly, Jeff, Grandma Olsen, Grandpa Olsen, Libby, and Lynn. What are 7 cool things about you?
Mac and Cheese
Well, church today was eye-opening. First of all, I was having a miserable day, Jeff was having a miserable day, and Ariana was having a miserable day. And we were all dragging each other down further. So Jeff drove to church by himself with Ariana to give the opening prayer. When he came back to watch Ariana at home (still sick), I drove to fulfill my calling in primary.
I wasn't much needed, as the other pianist is playing for the primary program, but I felt it was my duty to be there. I also wanted to be an observer. I sat in the back while the primary children sang on the stand and practiced reverence. Then they split up for classes. I had nothing in particular to do while I waited for them to reconvene, so I went and sat on the couch in the foyer.
I tell this long story for this one reason. While I was sitting there, sacrament was about to start in the chapel for another ward. A slightly large middle age woman and her son (preteen? 11 or 12?) came and sat next to me. The woman sat, then told her boy to sit. He said "I want to sit there," pointing to where his mother was. He did not want to sit next to me. I excused this because of his age. He came and sat down anyway. His mother told him he needed to go give an envelope to some sister for some reason. "Will you do it?" he said. His tone was interesting to me. If someone had asked me, I would have said no because of the slight twinge of whine, boredom, and defiance in his voice. No sooner had he asked but she got up, like it was a command, and he scooted into her seat, away from me on the couch. She came back and made him move back over. I stopped paying attention to them.
Suddenly their conversation came back to the forefront of my attention again at the mention of food. Her son must have asked her what food they had been asked to donate for their ward (ours has mac and cheese). "Chili," she said, which is what turned my head because I was hungry, "We got chili. I wish they would give us the easy one for once. The other wards always get the easy assignments." At this point I was working hard to keep my nose glued to my lap and not say anything. My ward had mac and cheese, and while I thought that was so cool, it would have been easier for our family to do chili. I could feel my face turning red. I wanted to say something to her, like "I am sure they wouldn't mind if you brought in mac and cheese either." I kept my mouth sealed shut though, as she continued to complain. "Mac and cheese is so much cheaper. Chili is a dollar and a half for the kind they want. I can barely keep food on the table for you guys, let alone buying chili." They sat there a little longer before the boy whined, "I want to go outside." "We are just waiting to see if they called anyone," she said, and she started in again about how they had requested all these different positions filled a while ago and the ward still had not called anyone. In the chapel, they started singing the hymn. "That sounds awful,"the boy complained, "it always sounds alright when we are in there, but it sounds horrible out here." I could hear the organist straining to get her part right, and I felt bad for her. I could also hear over the rest, a few voices over the rest that were not very pretty. I still didn't like to hear him complaining about the singing of a hymn. He had just dissed at least a hundred people. The prayer was said, and then the announcements started. The woman had turned the speaker up loud. I thought of other Sundays when I had been trying to get Ariana to sleep in the hall because the mothers' lounge was full as usual, and the volume someone had carelessly turned up was bothering my baby. It made me irritated. They announced two callings, neither of which the woman had listed. "Well, let's go. They didn't call anyone," she said very shortly. In the chapel, they started the sacrament hymn. "Oh, that's awful," the boy said again, "it sounds better when we are in there but it sounds bad out here." He got up and they headed for the door. Why they would skip the sacrament I will never know, but I have always thought that part was more important than the announcements. I was glad to see them go and be rid of such a negative spirit. It absolutely astounded me that anyone could carry such a little black rain cloud with them on a leash over their head. I thought of how I had acted earlier that day, and I thanked God that I didn't think I was that bad. I thought back to my reading of proverbs, about the wise accepting rebukes. I hope that if I ever do start to get so negative, cynical, and critical, that one close to me will take me aside and with a gentle had point out my fault, because of their love and care for me. I never want to be like that. So come to me friend, when you think I am being less than what I should, and with a soft spirit rebuke me. I may not listen at once, but I hope to always keep a soft heart and disposition that I may be wise as King Solomon says and receive correction.
I wanted to say something to that woman, to point out that it is not so bad. I wanted to say something to the boy, that maybe if it sounds better in the chapel then he should go in. I know it wouldn't have made a difference. I am not their friend and they would not have listened to my words most likely. A spirit of strife so strong is hard to break or change. I would not want to be their friends with the way they acted today. I not only hope to never hear them or see them again, I most fervently hope to never be like them. It was an eye-opening moment.
I wasn't much needed, as the other pianist is playing for the primary program, but I felt it was my duty to be there. I also wanted to be an observer. I sat in the back while the primary children sang on the stand and practiced reverence. Then they split up for classes. I had nothing in particular to do while I waited for them to reconvene, so I went and sat on the couch in the foyer.
I tell this long story for this one reason. While I was sitting there, sacrament was about to start in the chapel for another ward. A slightly large middle age woman and her son (preteen? 11 or 12?) came and sat next to me. The woman sat, then told her boy to sit. He said "I want to sit there," pointing to where his mother was. He did not want to sit next to me. I excused this because of his age. He came and sat down anyway. His mother told him he needed to go give an envelope to some sister for some reason. "Will you do it?" he said. His tone was interesting to me. If someone had asked me, I would have said no because of the slight twinge of whine, boredom, and defiance in his voice. No sooner had he asked but she got up, like it was a command, and he scooted into her seat, away from me on the couch. She came back and made him move back over. I stopped paying attention to them.
Suddenly their conversation came back to the forefront of my attention again at the mention of food. Her son must have asked her what food they had been asked to donate for their ward (ours has mac and cheese). "Chili," she said, which is what turned my head because I was hungry, "We got chili. I wish they would give us the easy one for once. The other wards always get the easy assignments." At this point I was working hard to keep my nose glued to my lap and not say anything. My ward had mac and cheese, and while I thought that was so cool, it would have been easier for our family to do chili. I could feel my face turning red. I wanted to say something to her, like "I am sure they wouldn't mind if you brought in mac and cheese either." I kept my mouth sealed shut though, as she continued to complain. "Mac and cheese is so much cheaper. Chili is a dollar and a half for the kind they want. I can barely keep food on the table for you guys, let alone buying chili." They sat there a little longer before the boy whined, "I want to go outside." "We are just waiting to see if they called anyone," she said, and she started in again about how they had requested all these different positions filled a while ago and the ward still had not called anyone. In the chapel, they started singing the hymn. "That sounds awful,"the boy complained, "it always sounds alright when we are in there, but it sounds horrible out here." I could hear the organist straining to get her part right, and I felt bad for her. I could also hear over the rest, a few voices over the rest that were not very pretty. I still didn't like to hear him complaining about the singing of a hymn. He had just dissed at least a hundred people. The prayer was said, and then the announcements started. The woman had turned the speaker up loud. I thought of other Sundays when I had been trying to get Ariana to sleep in the hall because the mothers' lounge was full as usual, and the volume someone had carelessly turned up was bothering my baby. It made me irritated. They announced two callings, neither of which the woman had listed. "Well, let's go. They didn't call anyone," she said very shortly. In the chapel, they started the sacrament hymn. "Oh, that's awful," the boy said again, "it sounds better when we are in there but it sounds bad out here." He got up and they headed for the door. Why they would skip the sacrament I will never know, but I have always thought that part was more important than the announcements. I was glad to see them go and be rid of such a negative spirit. It absolutely astounded me that anyone could carry such a little black rain cloud with them on a leash over their head. I thought of how I had acted earlier that day, and I thanked God that I didn't think I was that bad. I thought back to my reading of proverbs, about the wise accepting rebukes. I hope that if I ever do start to get so negative, cynical, and critical, that one close to me will take me aside and with a gentle had point out my fault, because of their love and care for me. I never want to be like that. So come to me friend, when you think I am being less than what I should, and with a soft spirit rebuke me. I may not listen at once, but I hope to always keep a soft heart and disposition that I may be wise as King Solomon says and receive correction.
I wanted to say something to that woman, to point out that it is not so bad. I wanted to say something to the boy, that maybe if it sounds better in the chapel then he should go in. I know it wouldn't have made a difference. I am not their friend and they would not have listened to my words most likely. A spirit of strife so strong is hard to break or change. I would not want to be their friends with the way they acted today. I not only hope to never hear them or see them again, I most fervently hope to never be like them. It was an eye-opening moment.
Story of my Life
I wanted to make music, but I was afraid no one would want to hear my songs.
I wanted to write stories, but I was afraid no one would want to read my stories.
I wanted to love unconditionally, but I was afraid no one would love me back and I would be hurt.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but I was afraid I would work for years only to be turned down.
I wanted to start a business, but I was afraid no one would want what I had to offer.
I wanted to have lots of friends, but everyone I saw I thought wouldn't be interested to know me.
I wanted to be a dancer, but I was afraid no one would want to dance with me.
I stay at home inside and try not to think about when I was young and people told me I could do anything to which I put my mind. It brings an uncomfortable knot it my stomach.
I wanted to write stories, but I was afraid no one would want to read my stories.
I wanted to love unconditionally, but I was afraid no one would love me back and I would be hurt.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but I was afraid I would work for years only to be turned down.
I wanted to start a business, but I was afraid no one would want what I had to offer.
I wanted to have lots of friends, but everyone I saw I thought wouldn't be interested to know me.
I wanted to be a dancer, but I was afraid no one would want to dance with me.
I stay at home inside and try not to think about when I was young and people told me I could do anything to which I put my mind. It brings an uncomfortable knot it my stomach.
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